Will Tomorrow Be Better ??

A lifetime of worry and regret, filled with fears and unfulfilled dreams not met. Not yet, no safety yet, losing life's bet and nothing to show for it but tears and my sweat.I hide behind a mask.

You can't see my face looking at first glance I'm in a happy place. The truth is, that's a lie but you can't really tell that. At the back of my mind I think the world should rot in hell. What's the point of living if we are all going to die. What's the point of being happy if in the end we're going to cry. But this is something no one sees, something no one knows and yet deep inside of me this feeling of hatred grows. So even though this mask reveals a happy side of me, I use the mask as a shield to look at what others can never see. At the end of each day the heart whispers, Let tomorrow come and no matter how many are the days there is still one more to view. For the heart knows not of age and its fading stage. It does fear the night and lives for the mornings first light.Till the end of the day when it whispers, Let tomorrow come..

NO END TO MY SORROW......

It's dark, cold and foggy everywhere. It seems ghost are behind every corner. Memories of happines, sorrow and pain are whispered in my ear. I feel I am not safe. Everynight vampires of my memories come out and feed on my soul. I try to get out of there as fast as I can

And I get up Shaking to my core.

This is what it's like when I look inside myself...There is a tugging at my skin like I don't quite fit in it anymore. I'm in the wrong place, wrong body and I can't escape. I dont belong here, as this person, it feels all wrong. This is not who I am. The room of my desires turned cold killing all the life in me. They say you grow stronger after every battle. But this isn't who I want be. The fire in my heart has been put out. I'm running out of reasons to believe. They said life is the greatest game you'll ever play. Again I've been deceived. If I knew before that there would be no way to win I would have given up a life time before but now I’m locked up in these chains and there's just no point in this anymore. I've spent every fucking day sweeping the broken pieces off the floor and no matter what door I hide behind I'm always finding more. It just hurts to much to explain how it truly feels to be alive and despite what they will tell you....There’s pain behind everyone’s eyes. Now I’m just pulling out my hair and I've fallen past the ground. There truly are no better days, no reasons to be found. If we're all born innocent yet we all end up right here. Then it's not hell we should be afraid of but life itself that we should fear.

So please just lay me to sleep and pray for me to never wake up again, put me out of my misery, I just can't do this again. I feel like the fallen angels of yesterday struggling to see tomorrow. And it doesn't matter how loud I cry..... There’s no escape from my sorrow.

I WANNA UNMASK N UNLEASH THE INNNER ME.

I FEEL LIKE UNMASKING MYSELF NOW. tHIS LIFE FEELS AS IF i AM WEARING A MASK. I am tired of being someone who everybody want me to be. Trapped and scared in my own insecurities.I just wanna be free...unleash and unmask the inner me. Do you know how it feels to be walking in someone else's shoes , and to be confined to whatever they do? I know exactly what it feels n how it feels within because right now I am living a life that is a lie...a life which is insane. I'm ashamed to show who really I am. The things people say hurt me because I really am not me. These empty spaces are killing me. People look at me in strange ways, making it hard for me to get through. They talk n talk all things bout me and times it seems its all true. I have started feeling very lone though I know he is there but still I feel something is pulling me away. I can feel silence when everything is loud n shrieking. Its a complete black hole kind of feeling which am going through. I wanna me myself...I wanna unmask myself. Don't wanna be discrete with my ifestyle. I wanna feel that my living is not a sin and torture for others.

The Word's... Retrograde Amnesia

Facing a sudden memory loss can be scary and disorienting. You are suddenly thrust into an unfamiliar territory that is frightening and unsettling.
Some people think that those having amnesia are senial but it isn't so. They suffer from a trauma...emotional or physical, and loose some part of their memory which could be pre or post trauma. So easy to explain but.......extremely difficult to be a patient and suffer memory loss. The attack comes in bouts...bits...and you are torn that moment. You are adifferent person and live in a different world. They know they are sufferers but aren't aware what they do when under attack.
I feel like breaking the barrires and run away....
This state leaves me lost, drops me into a never ending black hole. I want to get help...but not from psychatrists or asylum. Come on....you guys really think all this helps...then lemme tell you...it worsens the condition. This is not what I want in my life, itss not the answer to my problems, it effects my mind and my thoughts. It worsens my angerwhich lashes out at people. It makes me feel no one wants me or cares for me. Every one wants to get rid of me and my loss...I need help, love, support and not being thrown somewhere I dont belong to. Don't send me where I will forget myself. Am not happy...not happy within...never will be. I am alone dealing with my grief these days. Don't abandon me...I need you all with me...I am going away....hold me back please.........

Losing all I can see. Nothing remains. Dripping slowly away the tides recede and I stand alone. I look down from the precipice that is my life and wonder where the tides go.

Will they return to fillmy gaping soul?or will the waters dry to flow no more and leave me standing and breathless? all I can do is wait. Watching from my precipice, all I can do is wonder.

Confusion Anxiety Anger and Pain Despair Hatred Isn't it all the same?

Turmoil Anguish Pity and Revenge SpurnCondemn When is it going to end?

Loneliness Hear ache Must I be disturbed?

Desolate Forlorn Will I always be alone?

The naked truth is the final trait of reality.

I am without speech, for my words are offensive. I am without sight, for it is clouded. I am without heart, for it has hardened. I am without sound, for it has muffled. I am without soul, for it has drowned. I am scared as I feel alone and seceived by all I thought cared for me.

Window panes come crashing down amidst the tears and paivVanishing hopes are gone and flew away Up above through twilight. Shadows cast across the floor Reflections of the past. Trembling thoughts of one Dwelling deep within the soul. A mystical sense of reality Captured by the craze. All in bewilderment Of the shock in the wave. A shudder, a scream, darkness envelops my soul

Will I be released???

I AM READY FOR THE STORM........

The waves crash in and the tide pulls out.

It's an angry sea but there is no doubt,

That the lighthouse will keep shining in the night.

To warn the lonely sailor.

The lightning strikes and the wind cuts cold

Through the sailor's bones, to the sailor's soul

'Till there's nothing left that he can hold

Except the roaring ocean

Give me mercy for my dreams,

'cause every confrontaion

Seems to tell me what it really means to be a lonely sailor

But when the sky begins to clear

and the sun it melts away my fear

I cry a silent, weary tear at those that mean to love me

Distance it is no real friend, and time will take its time

And you will find that in the end it brings you near a lonely sailor

But when you take me by your side, you love me warm,

you love me

And I should've realized I had no reason to be frightened

Now...I am ready for the storm.......