Miss you so much...Am withering away

This day is very dull without you without your laughs without your voice Without your sound without your "ONLY" !This day is standing still seconds feel like light years food tastes sour Without you, everything has gone wrong.Will you call me tonight my dear? Is a question which has no answer . will you come in my dreams.You are my love, you are my life.My door is always open for you, Because without you I feel so blue
I miss you so much!
I won’t tell you all my life I have waited for youI won’t tell you my love is deep and vast I won’t tell youI am ready to sacrifice any thing just for youI won’t tell you my eyes will see you only my ears will hear you only my voice will reach you only my heart will beat for you onlyI won’t tell you Every corner of my heart Every moment of my life Is you I won’t tell you but that’s what I want to tell you what my heart wants to sayI won’t tell you. You shall just hear that I Love You. AM IN LOVE WITH YOU.

This distance is unbearable...

This blog is plain n simple unlike others. I just wanna say in plain words without laces and bows. No rhyming n no lyrics...just words.
Entered my room...sitting on the window sill, gazing at the dark sky I remebered a sms. It brought tears to my eyes. A sms I don't ever wanna read again. It breaks me and shatters me deep inside. I haven't been able to believe what is happening right now. Am feeling lost and weary. Rejected and thrown away. All I do is wait...this wait is getting longer and painful. It is making me pretend...pretend to be happy, smiling, at ease, at peace, its not hurting or bothering me, strong and bold.
Am not all of this...am sad, crying, restless, violent, in pain n agony, shattered and abslutely broken. LOST.
WHY ???? Good Question....I ask myself a million times why am I feeling so bad. Why is it bothering me so much, why am I not able to overcome that sms, why can't I just live a normal life as for now????
The answer ............... I CAN'T. My breath, soul, happiness, laughter, reason to live, morsel of food, sunshine, love, ecstasy, passion is not with me. I am not in touch. I try to be very composed but when alone am looking here n there. See my mobile a thousand times in a minute to check if any missed call or sms.
The moment phone rings my heart skips a beat and then.... am sad again. I am unable to sleep properly as to make sure I don't miss the call or sms if I get them.
When I take a peek in the past few months...right now we would have been ttalking , laughing, listening music like "scientist" by Coldplay or " pyar hai ya sazaa" from Salaam-e-ishq and Songs from our favourite cd in his car.... check my inbox on gmail...xpecting a mail or maybe he's seen the cards I sent him long back...no notification yet....what do I do???
Will this ever happen again.....this one thought is killing me...Am absolutely lost...Don't know how am handling this....but now am unable to. IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN PLEASE HUG ME. AM LONELY AND ALONE WITHOUT YOU. This distance n space is unbearable now.

All Alone..

I am alone. I am one soul.I am one person, being, whole.If I reach down to what is truth...I am alone, apart, aloof.
No one else can bear my fears;no one else can cry my tears.Nor can someone dream my dream,or understand what my moods all mean.
"No man is an island," a poet penned.On a wider view, this I comprehend;but getting down to the heart of it all,we are on our own, to stand or fall.
Nothing in life is ever sure.Can you guarantee me love will endure?Will you promise me that trust won't die?That friends won't leave me by and by?
No, I am alone, deep down inside,even though with those I love, I abide;because there's a spot no one can see,or touch or feel, in the soul of me.

What If

Tomorrow..... I go away.

I wonder........ will I in your thoughts stay?

Will your thoughts be sublime?

or will I be........ out of sight,

out of mind?

Will you give some time

of me to ponder?

Will absence make

your heart grow fonder?

I Regret....

I said I wasn't fragile.I said I didn't care.I said it didn't matter if you weren't there.I said I wasn't weak.I said I wasn't base.I said I'd take care. I said I'd be strong.I said I'd stand tall. I said I feel you close without you here, but now I feel helpless and small. I still hear your voice,its husky tone.I still wear your green shirt that smells of your body.I still watch our sunsets with misty eyes.I still wanna always be addressed as BABYPIE...I still miss you...regret saying I'll handle as I can't now....Am alone...Come back jaana...

Its very hard.....

Its hard for me - to be without you,the day goes by like its never going to end,i find it hard just to get by,i know why i feel like this,your such a wonderful soul,but i always went and mess things up,i'll just feel this pain and do what you say,face the loss - even tho i hope we'll be in touch again some day,i know that you hate me - i dont blame you,but i never meant to make you mad,but i always made you worries,i cant get you out my mind,its just hell without being with you,i'm lost without you there,i'll do anything to try and make up,you wont me to leave you alone,i respect that so i will. You want me to leave you alone....i can't live without you....i can't.....

I Am Losing now....

I long to cut myself to divert the pain from my soul.My heart is broken and my spirit crushed.The idea of death is bliss.The Lord to me is like bitter water,And a deserter in my time of need.I turn to Him, yet feel mocked.Acid eats my soul away,My heart bleeds from stabbing after merciless stabbing.My heart has no shield.I am hunched over from the great weight of burden upon me.I claim the Lord’s promises, only to be disappointedOne callous time after another.For the first time since I’ve know Him,Profanity pours out of my mouth.I feel my heart hardening,Yet this time I’m too hurt to let it stop.My face pales as the life drains away in the strain.I nearly faint out of weariness;My flesh can’t take the punishment of my soul.If my flesh were beaten to a pulp,It wouldn’t compare to the ghastliness of this.I look at my eyes in the mirror and see a frightened animal.I can brush my hair, but I can’t hide the despair,Torment, agony, and anguish in my eyes.I call from my heart of hearts, “Papa!”Yet the pain remains, the stabbing continues.I don’t want pity from those around me; I want compassion.The Lord feels cold and indifferent to my yelps.Shrieks come from my mouth as the tears fall.I hit my heart to urge the pain to stop.I fall on my knees at the mercy of One who seems merciless.
Oh that my broken spirit would be healed!My heart hardens against the Lord.Involuntary bitterness bites my soul like a viper.Such emptiness and loneliness makes me want to cry out in despair;Yet I know it will do no good.The Lord’s Almighty power becomes a weapon of the enemy against my mind;He has the power to heal, and yet does not.I desire what is not possible. I desire not to live, yet death holds no allure.I wish the spiritual realm would not exist, yet I do not want to live in the physical.Demons encircle me so that the Lord cannot be seen for who He is.Resentment begins to fester in a mire of self-pity.The tormenting whispers hasten “Curse Him! Curse Him! Curse Him!”Deception seems as truth; the Word seems false.Disappointments, weaknesses, and fears hound my senses.The enemy has stolen peace and joy;Now the unspeakable seemingly happens:Hope itself is quashed in heart-wrenching agony.Desire for the Lord is cut off; future ministry holds no appeal.My manipulated heart embraces dark deception:‘It’s not worth it!’ it cries.I groan under a burden that crushes my being.I try giving my yoke to the Lord, but it is seemingly refused.As my soul receives crushing blow after crushing blow,I murmur ‘I give in.’