I HATE MESELF MORE.........

After hearing what I really feared always I feel like ending myself. Yes the marks on my wrist keep increasing. It waits or one final cut to release the ongoing pain.

All I want to do is cut myself. Let the pain show. I wish I had the knife in my hand. I wish i was in pain on the outside instead of on the inside. I'm crying but i don't feel release. I want that feeling of knowing I'm alive, Knowing I'm not just broken on the inside. I want to show my pain to the world.I want to show my pain to myself. I hate this feeling of nothingness, Death calls to me. I'm about to answer the phone, I want to answer the phone so bad. To feel that release I want to cut myself. I want to release this hatred .I hate myself so much I cant stand the way i look, the way i act, the way i sound and I look in the mirror now and i have to look away. I cant even look at myself anymore. I wish i was dead. Maybe that wish will come true,I want to make it so i never come back. I want them to see me, Why am i so fucked up to be thinking this way?I hate it.I'm disgusting...I want to take my life and throw it away.I'm not writing this for anyones pity. Keep it to yourself... Sympathy is just another wasted emotion.I wish i had that little push to just kill myself. So many wishes... Yet only one or two will come true. I will make them come true . For i am the only one who can. I hate this lifeI hate this world But i hate myself even more...

Wanna Cry...

I'm not bleeding, though my heart feels pierced,I'm not wounded, though the pain remains fierce. I'm killing myself from the inside out and now my head's been filled with doubt. There are so many days I want to drop all pretences and just show everyone the scars -the scars of wounds that shall never heal. There are so many days I want to break down and cry - just feel alive.Look behind the mask, look into these eyes. Look into the cracks of that fake stage smile.I'll try to push you away, or might run a mileI just need to know you'll still be mine"would you hold me if you saw i was brokenand slit my wrist againwould you tie me to a bed and hold me.""i'm just strong enough to let go of my painto hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes tonight i wanna cry"

I Did Care for Him

Just a few minutes ago...He said there will be no other dog in the house.....WHY? and the answer came I didn't take care of my previous one. Its not true...it isn't.
I loved Naughty more than my own self. He was my son n not a dog. I never felt so low regarding Naughty but right now am feeling very bad....I iss my baby and only I know the pain of loosing him. I am not justifying myself over here but just wantning myself n Naughty to know that I still love him n will always love him. No other pet can take his place. His loss is beyond words can ecpress. I know and am sure wherever Naughty is he knows it.
His illness broke me down completely...I still cry when I think of him...there are times I still feel him near me. I just don't ake it obvious to others n I don't want to. That's why I am here on blog xpressing what I am feeling right now. I really took proper care....treated him like my own child. Then why is it assumed I didn't take care of him. I did....I tried my best to save his life but I failed like always...........I failed........

I too wanna be loved...........

I am just as this...a painting on a wall. Someone else has created me from their own mind and creativity and so I hang straight.

Reactions from many I await. The most common opinions are of so... "that's a nice one... but not nice enough to love or care." So there I remain.. I am one of a kind. Maybe that is why... I cannot be loved or cared. Oh please, Mr. Painter Sir, My story must be told. May I just have a written description My reason for being so bold? Maybe then those people would begin seeing. Then I would be sold then brought to a home, and loved like the other's. I know that I am different but all I want...is to be loved like the other's.

Love is Unconditional.

It may be easy to look around our world today and see the appearance of chaos, difficulty and strife. Yet, when we come from an open heart, we can also see our opportunity to love all things into balance, joy, harmony and peace. This planet does not need more visions of desperation, fear, doubt and hate - it requires an abundance of love, especially unconditional love, to heal and restore the beauty contained in every moment. This becomes the easier path once we take the first step and begin to share our love.
When we bring unconditional love back into our personal, professional, community and family lives, we begin the journey of restoring wholeness and happiness to our planetary adventure. Of course it takes determined effort on our part as the old ways of being are quick to return in our mind. However, this effort to love is rewarded with a new perspective on everything and all life benefits as a result.Unconditional Love is a dynamic and powerful energy that lifts us through the most difficult times. It is available at any moment by turning our attention to it and using its wonderful potential to free us from our limitations. It requires practice and intent to allow this energy to fully permeate our daily experience. It begins with ourselves, for without self-love, we cannot know what true love can be. In loving ourselves, we allow the feeling to generate within us and then we can share it to everyone and everything around us!

And it is this UNCONDITIONAL LOVE which keeps me going...fighting and breathing.

Will Tomorrow Be Better ??

A lifetime of worry and regret, filled with fears and unfulfilled dreams not met. Not yet, no safety yet, losing life's bet and nothing to show for it but tears and my sweat.I hide behind a mask.

You can't see my face looking at first glance I'm in a happy place. The truth is, that's a lie but you can't really tell that. At the back of my mind I think the world should rot in hell. What's the point of living if we are all going to die. What's the point of being happy if in the end we're going to cry. But this is something no one sees, something no one knows and yet deep inside of me this feeling of hatred grows. So even though this mask reveals a happy side of me, I use the mask as a shield to look at what others can never see. At the end of each day the heart whispers, Let tomorrow come and no matter how many are the days there is still one more to view. For the heart knows not of age and its fading stage. It does fear the night and lives for the mornings first light.Till the end of the day when it whispers, Let tomorrow come..

NO END TO MY SORROW......

It's dark, cold and foggy everywhere. It seems ghost are behind every corner. Memories of happines, sorrow and pain are whispered in my ear. I feel I am not safe. Everynight vampires of my memories come out and feed on my soul. I try to get out of there as fast as I can

And I get up Shaking to my core.

This is what it's like when I look inside myself...There is a tugging at my skin like I don't quite fit in it anymore. I'm in the wrong place, wrong body and I can't escape. I dont belong here, as this person, it feels all wrong. This is not who I am. The room of my desires turned cold killing all the life in me. They say you grow stronger after every battle. But this isn't who I want be. The fire in my heart has been put out. I'm running out of reasons to believe. They said life is the greatest game you'll ever play. Again I've been deceived. If I knew before that there would be no way to win I would have given up a life time before but now I’m locked up in these chains and there's just no point in this anymore. I've spent every fucking day sweeping the broken pieces off the floor and no matter what door I hide behind I'm always finding more. It just hurts to much to explain how it truly feels to be alive and despite what they will tell you....There’s pain behind everyone’s eyes. Now I’m just pulling out my hair and I've fallen past the ground. There truly are no better days, no reasons to be found. If we're all born innocent yet we all end up right here. Then it's not hell we should be afraid of but life itself that we should fear.

So please just lay me to sleep and pray for me to never wake up again, put me out of my misery, I just can't do this again. I feel like the fallen angels of yesterday struggling to see tomorrow. And it doesn't matter how loud I cry..... There’s no escape from my sorrow.

I WANNA UNMASK N UNLEASH THE INNNER ME.

I FEEL LIKE UNMASKING MYSELF NOW. tHIS LIFE FEELS AS IF i AM WEARING A MASK. I am tired of being someone who everybody want me to be. Trapped and scared in my own insecurities.I just wanna be free...unleash and unmask the inner me. Do you know how it feels to be walking in someone else's shoes , and to be confined to whatever they do? I know exactly what it feels n how it feels within because right now I am living a life that is a lie...a life which is insane. I'm ashamed to show who really I am. The things people say hurt me because I really am not me. These empty spaces are killing me. People look at me in strange ways, making it hard for me to get through. They talk n talk all things bout me and times it seems its all true. I have started feeling very lone though I know he is there but still I feel something is pulling me away. I can feel silence when everything is loud n shrieking. Its a complete black hole kind of feeling which am going through. I wanna me myself...I wanna unmask myself. Don't wanna be discrete with my ifestyle. I wanna feel that my living is not a sin and torture for others.

The Word's... Retrograde Amnesia

Facing a sudden memory loss can be scary and disorienting. You are suddenly thrust into an unfamiliar territory that is frightening and unsettling.
Some people think that those having amnesia are senial but it isn't so. They suffer from a trauma...emotional or physical, and loose some part of their memory which could be pre or post trauma. So easy to explain but.......extremely difficult to be a patient and suffer memory loss. The attack comes in bouts...bits...and you are torn that moment. You are adifferent person and live in a different world. They know they are sufferers but aren't aware what they do when under attack.
I feel like breaking the barrires and run away....
This state leaves me lost, drops me into a never ending black hole. I want to get help...but not from psychatrists or asylum. Come on....you guys really think all this helps...then lemme tell you...it worsens the condition. This is not what I want in my life, itss not the answer to my problems, it effects my mind and my thoughts. It worsens my angerwhich lashes out at people. It makes me feel no one wants me or cares for me. Every one wants to get rid of me and my loss...I need help, love, support and not being thrown somewhere I dont belong to. Don't send me where I will forget myself. Am not happy...not happy within...never will be. I am alone dealing with my grief these days. Don't abandon me...I need you all with me...I am going away....hold me back please.........

Losing all I can see. Nothing remains. Dripping slowly away the tides recede and I stand alone. I look down from the precipice that is my life and wonder where the tides go.

Will they return to fillmy gaping soul?or will the waters dry to flow no more and leave me standing and breathless? all I can do is wait. Watching from my precipice, all I can do is wonder.

Confusion Anxiety Anger and Pain Despair Hatred Isn't it all the same?

Turmoil Anguish Pity and Revenge SpurnCondemn When is it going to end?

Loneliness Hear ache Must I be disturbed?

Desolate Forlorn Will I always be alone?

The naked truth is the final trait of reality.

I am without speech, for my words are offensive. I am without sight, for it is clouded. I am without heart, for it has hardened. I am without sound, for it has muffled. I am without soul, for it has drowned. I am scared as I feel alone and seceived by all I thought cared for me.

Window panes come crashing down amidst the tears and paivVanishing hopes are gone and flew away Up above through twilight. Shadows cast across the floor Reflections of the past. Trembling thoughts of one Dwelling deep within the soul. A mystical sense of reality Captured by the craze. All in bewilderment Of the shock in the wave. A shudder, a scream, darkness envelops my soul

Will I be released???