It's dark, cold and foggy everywhere. It seems ghost are behind every corner. Memories of happines, sorrow and pain are whispered in my ear. I feel I am not safe. Everynight vampires of my memories come out and feed on my soul. I try to get out of there as fast as I can
And I get up Shaking to my core.
This is what it's like when I look inside myself...There is a tugging at my skin like I don't quite fit in it anymore. I'm in the wrong place, wrong body and I can't escape. I dont belong here, as this person, it feels all wrong. This is not who I am. The room of my desires turned cold killing all the life in me. They say you grow stronger after every battle. But this isn't who I want be. The fire in my heart has been put out. I'm running out of reasons to believe. They said life is the greatest game you'll ever play. Again I've been deceived. If I knew before that there would be no way to win I would have given up a life time before but now I’m locked up in these chains and there's just no point in this anymore. I've spent every fucking day sweeping the broken pieces off the floor and no matter what door I hide behind I'm always finding more. It just hurts to much to explain how it truly feels to be alive and despite what they will tell you....There’s pain behind everyone’s eyes. Now I’m just pulling out my hair and I've fallen past the ground. There truly are no better days, no reasons to be found. If we're all born innocent yet we all end up right here. Then it's not hell we should be afraid of but life itself that we should fear.
So please just lay me to sleep and pray for me to never wake up again, put me out of my misery, I just can't do this again. I feel like the fallen angels of yesterday struggling to see tomorrow. And it doesn't matter how loud I cry..... There’s no escape from my sorrow.
2 comments:
I can feel what you're feeling. The phrase that "you grow stronger after every battle" is highly debatable. We may become stronger or otherwise, but surely it's always devastating and there's so much of destruction at all levels causing irreversible losses.
I also don’t believe in the phrase “whatever happen, happens for good”. Not everything that happens in life can be termed as good. And then the question that starts haunting us is “why me?” Miseries strike without informing, without a minutest evidence immediately before they happen, when we are least ready for it, shattering all our dreams, desires and bruising our soul badly, leaving us at a road which leads to nowhere. We start blaming ourselves for what we haven’t done. We forget that we are the victims of the circumstances that surround us.
What does a river do when it meets an obstruction? It either changes its course or just forces the obstruction out of its way. No matter whatever it happens it will always reach its destination, the Sea, though there is a huge difference in the river at its start point and its end point. The river at its source is fresh, innocent and pretty while at its final destination its full of dirt, mud and ugly……It’s easier said that done, but life is also like this. It will either force out the obstruction or changes its course, but it will always reach its destination. In the way it will loose its innocence and freshness and will be full of things that it never wished for but it would be worth.
A story is coming to my mind… a true story that I read a few days ago. It is about Frida Kahlo, the national icon of Mexico. ….She lived such a difficult life, enough to send shivers through anyone’s spine. At the age of six, she was infected with polio, which left her with one leg shorter and thinner than the other. In her early teens, she was preparing for a career in medicine, until she suffered a serious auto accident in Mexico City. An electric trolley car crashed into the wooden bus in which she was riding. Frida was pierced by the trolley’s metal handrail which entered her lower body on the left side and exited through her reproductive parts. Her spinal column and pelvis were each broken in three places; her collarbone and two ribs broken as well. Her right leg, the one deformed by polio, was shattered, fractured in 11 places and her right foot dislocated and crushed. A lifelong series of operations followed, and her first prolonged hospitalization led to her learning to paint. After the accident, her life was spent in pain, with at least 32 surgeries. She was completely shattered, and was in total misery but her faith in life and her urge to live, led her to express her pain and agony through her paintings, touching the heart of masses. That’s what made her into the national icon of Mexico. Her intensity and appetite for life was voracious. Filled with a radiant and explosive fury, her paintings showed a symbolic realism and spoke to contemporary and feminist issues: the pain of love and feminine identity. Her faith in life amidst of all the trials and turbulences caused her work to be highly successful even after her death. By 1994 there were some 87 publication about her, and her 1942 “Self-Portrait with Monkey and Parrot” sold at Sotheby’s for $3.2 million, the highest price ever paid for a Latin-American work of art. In Mexico, Kahlo is known as “la heroina del dolor,” (the heroine of pain). Recent Hollywood movies “FRIDA” starring Salma Hayek have immortalized her.
I am sorry for writing so long…….There are so many more thoughts that I would pen down shortly….
We may loose all the battles of life, but the game of life is not lost untill we give up and think so!
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