If I Could Erase It All

If I could take back Everything I said,I’d do it in a heart beat. Retracting every single thread. If I could erase the words. And place them where they belong. My eraser would then dissipate as I feverishly erase the wrong. If I could turn back the clock and reluctantly go back into time I would think about the consequences Of writing a hurtful rhyme, but reversing time isn’t an option. So I’m searching for another mode to be able to say to you “I’m sorry” I give you this single pleading ode.

My Nightmare..

I wake up during the night, In cold sweats and tears.I had another dream of you, I wish you were here.It has been a while since we spoke. I know that if you were here with me,Things would be so much better.I know that you are always there for me,But things just are not the same.Do not forget that I love and miss you,And please never forget my name.When you are not around me,I feel your presence anyway.Remember I am always here for you,Whether dark of night or light of day.Things are so much different now,We do not speak to each other everyday. Things have to change , And I thnk am going away. Though it is so easy to pick up the phone and give you a call before I die. I fear to do so. May be I annoy you even more . Now I have learned that I should cherish every second I spend with you.Though it is hard for me but I am scared now.

What is my story's end ?

In the corner of the road I stand waiting for a helping hand. I waited till the sun went down, I waited in a strange town abandoned of my happy days. Alone I was in a crowded place days to come and days to go. Whats stored for me ? I think i know a bed of roses waits for me but flowers have thorns that too. I see every story has a haapy ending. I had heard someone say why is my story so different then? I'll ask that someone someday!

Waiting.........

Waiting
I'm frozen
Fighting
I'm freezing
Dieing
Don't you see
I'm so cold
without you here
beside me
Dreaming of the summer
That will never come
I'm stuck in a winter
That will never leave
No Autumn,
No spring
Nothing left for me
Because I'm frozen
I'm waiting for you
Frozen
I'm fighting for you

Fairies coming

Dancing around the glowing, deadly nightshade With the leaves swaying in a wind from another world as rain falls slowly to a unknown back beatThis is when the Fairies come into our human world. The full moon is the only watcher, As the blood red wings beat quickly. The night is silent, with no frogs on the lily pads croaking their joy of living and no owls hooting, the crickets fall silent and the grass doesn't sway even though, a pure black feather falls onto the mushroom, which glows a deeper green. This triggers off the ritual beginning and the clearing spins, faster and faster until a white light shines from within the nightshade and the Fairies go back to the homeworld, undiscovered.

If Dawn May Come........

Tired of the feelings burning right through my chest. The people leaving, the feelings gone...If life is nothing more but a test. Mine is a real hard one..I build a black wall and it was broken. I had a shelter and now it's gone. Talked to a person, but words remained unspoken. Now all remains is the promise of dawn. In the end there was noting I could do. Not my fault but still it hurts. I thought I died but there was you, Took away the worst pain with just a few words. I don't understand the road I'm walking, Nor the feelings crawling inside my head. I don't understand why you're even talkingto me, you're my only threat. I could carry everyone's painbut my own is just too much...I fear everything might just be in vain. But I still remember your silent touch. I've been falling an endless fall and your dawn just might be the one who pulls me through it allor the one who kills me..

Innocence Lost Forever...........

Its been twenty years now but still that night traumatises me and shakes me inside. Can't talk about it to anyone so writing it here.......

I was only eight when it beganLate at night, when I was alone.You preyed on my innocence and my trust.How did I know that it was wrong?You did things so horrible to me,My soul and body were bared.What you did to that little girlLeft me feeling alone and scared.You said it was to show your loveBy taking my body for your use.But now I know that what happened to me Wasn't love; it was abuse.All the dirty things you did to meWon't wash away with rain.Nothing on earth will rid my heartOf this neverending pain.I hope that you hurt as much as I do,Or do you even remember what you did?Nothing will make up for the pain you causedWhen I was just a kid.The physical scars you put on my bodyHave since healed with time.But my pain still shows on the outsideWhenever the child inside of me starts to cry.That little eight year old girlHad to grow up way too soon.And all of the hurt and pain that you have causedWill always be remembered, like a flower that forever blooms.

I pray no one looses their innocence ever..............

My Dad......

Give 'em a hug, a great big kiss.Because one day, he will be greatly missed.My daddy has gone far away from this land,I miss the precious touch of his loving hands.I never knew last year was the last day,I could look at my daddy, hug him, and say:"I love you, Daddy! "Don't let one day go by without telling himhow dear he is!Remember you may not have another year to tell him this!All I have now is great memories, a heartfull of love and eyes full of tears, andto remember his love throughout the years.Now I will have to look up at the stars andsay, "I love you, Daddy! Happy Father's Day!"Please remember when you pray, to thank your heavenly father up above. For your father he gave you with so much love.

Why Do You Turn Away ?

I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard. Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everyone can see these scars. I am what I want you to want, what I want you to feel. But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real. So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do. Face away and pretend that I'm not. But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got. I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident Cause you don't understand , I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense. I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubtIt's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out. So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do. i know am jinxed and you feel uncomfortable now. I don't say it but then I know you feel it. Things aren't the same between us now. Thats's what i feel.

Wish time could turn back.

I

Why An Innocent Baby Is Suffering ?

I have no answer to this nor am I looking for an answer as I know that no one can answer this. Some people say that he'll be fine, others say that it'll take time, get mercy killing done, his end is near, don't make him suffer, god take him away peacefully if he's not gonna recover....this is what various people have to say. And then..... there is the vet who kindles hope in me that he'll recover. A peaceful face with a little worry and at the same time a smile is the expression the vet always has.

Whom do I believe ? My heart and mind both are numb. I am very scared as to what will happen to my little baby. I don't wanna loose him but at that same time I can't see him dragging himself, not eating a gospel, not being able to urinate, crying in middle of the night and looking at me helplessly as he can't express his pain and I can't understand why he wails. I hug him and make him lie close to me so that he feels owned and secured. Forcibly make him have a few spoons of milk and water.

He used to run and come to me when I said " Do you wanna have a chocolate or a coffe bite or an eclair? " Sniffing my handbag for his favourite sweets or chocolates, running behind us for sweets, egg and chicken. Now, he doesn't wanna eat any of these. He turns his face away. Running everywhere, rolling down to get cuddled, quietly jumping on the bed and teasing me, sitting outside the kitched wagging his tail for his favourite Gajar Ka Halwa.....this is all he used to do and now lying down in one place or dragging himself to other. Can't stop my tears.......He is in pain. Alot of pain.

Why ?? I can't see him like this. I only pray that if he has more time to live then please Almighty make him mobile so that he is able to urinate himself rather than lying down n catching other ailments. If not then please take him peacefully without any further suffering.

I am not being selfish or too strong by saying this. He is my precious baby and I love him alot but then I don't want him to suffer. I know what I feel when I say this. My heart and soul cries..........

Those who read this blog please pray for my little one.

For The One I Cherish and Owe My Life To.....

Time and again I have seenPlaces full of green grassWith flowers scattered all aroundA soothing breeze cools the skin.
Time and again I stumbled and fellOnly to find dead leaves, dried grassWithered flowers that lost their fragrance long agoA warm breeze pierces the skin.
Then from nowhere…You came and brought sunshinePlaced that constant smile on my lipsGave that extra bounce to my steps.
You came in glory…Finding me in my hiding placeOffering your handShining, leading the way through.
Now, my days are brighterFull of life and promise,You gave a new significance to my life…I love you…
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

Empty Within

Looking out the window,I see cloudy skies, Not a single star shines.
A cold air blows,S ends chills upon my spine. I see lights from a distance Creating shadows. All alone I stand by my window Awaiting the light of day...Blue skies and stars glimmer in the distance And a full moon’s rays casting shadows upon my hand as I write. Lampposts light the street down below. A lonely, well-lighted street With cars parked alongside darkly-lit houses. There’s stillness in the air. The trees stand tall their leaves and branches unmoving. Dogs bark at a distance As a cock crows,Thoughts ...Memories...Creating a hazy scene of silence . I stand here all alone feeling a strange emptiness.

Dedicated to MUAH BABY........

Hey there,
We all go through this phase and Guilt is no solution. You are a wonderful son as you care and think about them. That's what matters. You are what you are. And even they know it that you care for them. Family is important and spending time with them is essential. They can be wrong but then somewhere we also go wrong. Space is required but not to the extent that we forget each other. You don't have to feel so bad as you not at fault. This happens. Trivial reasons can form big barriers and its never too late to break them.ITs great that you are ready t take a stp foward. Remember the day when you wished him Father's Day....he must have been very happy inside. A "How are you n how was your day ?" will do wonders. Strength of love and compassion holds when weakness knocks the door. It always finds the way to cover up the hurtful mistakes with some super glue. A forgive and forget and learn to love again.
Family is one who will be by your side through out your entire life. They are the people who cherish you and turn to you when everything is going wrong. your parents show you how to do the most important things in life which are to love and to be loved. They also give you the chance to do whatever you choose in life without making you do what they want you to. Family is what will always be by your side and you feel that they deserve the most credit for forming the person who to care, to love, and to fight. Remember that you really are a wonderful son. never doubt it.

Really Wanna...........

I may be innocent..I may know many things, I may be ignorant..Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands..Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands..I could be destroyed a thousand times..Reborn as fortunes child to judge anothers crimes..Or wear this pilgrims cloak, or be a common thief..Ive kept this single faith, I have but one belief..I still love you..I still want you..A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves...On and on the mysteries unwind themselves..Eternities still unsaid..til you love me...So many riches, so many souls..Everything we see we want to possess......but then what do I do? Am on the crossroad and don’t know where to go!!!!

Who's at Fault...?

Hello me...Meet the real me.And my misfits way of life.A dark black past is myMost valued possession.Hindsight is always 20-20,But looking back it's still a bit fuzzy.Speak of mutually assured destruction?Nice story...Tell it to Reader's Digest!!!Feeling paranoidTrue enemy or false friend?Anxiety's attacking me, andMy air is getting thin.I'm in trouble for the thingsI haven't got to yet.I'm chomping at the bit, and myPalms are getting wet, sweating bulletsHello me...It's me again.You can subdue, but never tame me.It gives me a migraine headacheThinking down to your level.Yea, just keep on thinking it's my faultAnd stay an inch or two outta kicking distance.Mankind has got to knowHis limitations.Feeling claustrophobic,Like the walls are closing in.Blood stains on my hands andI don't know where I've been.I'm in trouble for the thingsI haven't got to yet.I'm sharpening the axe and myPalms are getting wet, sweating bulletsWell, me...it's nice talking to myself,A credit to dementia.Some day you too will know my pain,And smile its black tooth grin.If the war inside my headWon't take a day off I'll be dead.My icy fingers claw your back,Here I come again.Once you committed meNow you've acquitted meClaiming validityFor your stupidityI'm chomping at the bitI'm sharpening the axeHere I come again, whoa!Sweating bullets

I AM MY OWN PARADOX

I want to live evermore,But accept death as the truth for sure,Accept that happiness is a state of mind,But still have money, career, love etc to find,Knowledge which equips with sense,But still never give up some innocenceA physical strength to bear any pain,But eyes which can cry clouds of rain,A mind which makes me so much able,But a heart which makes me vulnerable,A firm belief in the game of fate,But somewhere don’t accept what destiny has to state,A hope that keeps me sane,But the endless wait drives me insane,An age and maturity to make me mild,But still I am stubborn like a child,An urge to say it all and express,But a restraint which forces to suppress,A want that she loves me for some time,But also accept that it’s not possible in this life timeA push to get away from her forever,But somewhere wish this happens never,There’s no beginning, there’ll be no endI am my own worst enemy and best friend,A simple inexplicable,I am paradox fable.

BROKEN

Sometimes lifes just seems to break me down, People hurt me, do not care and mess around with my emotions. My heart constantly feels heavy, body has no energy, tears well up, But i hide them from everyone.
No one knows what is wrong. Depression subdues in my monotonous life. My day to day living becomes a strife, i hate the person who the mirror reflects. I want to strive i want to just be, More then i have become now. I want to break from this somehow, But on and on deeper i go, No one to save me from feeling so low. Just can;t figure out what to do????????????

An Eternal Relation.......

My Most Preious Gift is ACHIKOO BACHIKOO KACHIKOO....

Well,,what do i say about HIM ? He’s charm personified,like they say he brings me sunshine even on a dark cloudy day. Owe a lot 2 him,when i first spoke to him i didnt know we would come soo close one day..am soo glad i have a friend like him ..with him i forget all my worries and he just takes it all away sumhow..hes been there for me whenever ive needed him and i wish him all the best always..He is lifes best gift 2 me . He’s SPECIAL,in the very true sense of the word,, hes pulled me through the worst phases of my life, hes tolerated my mood swings and stood by me always, hes lifes best gift to everyone he lays his hand on...trust im with my eyes closed and trust me from someone like me its the perfect reward coz i dont usually trust a lot of people...When i talk about him my face smiles unknowingly hes the kindaa guy who would bring life in a graveyard as well with his infectious laughter.those eyes that twinkle like the bright blue sky,the most adorable virtue he possesses is that even when life socks at his face he doesnt whine or pin a blame on sum1 else,simply dusts himself off it and makes a practical decision ..i feel it takes quite a bone to do that with soo much elegance,hes determined and usually wont back off till he sees a steamroller headed towards him,this man spurns at the very show of sentiment and people who have seen a glimpse of the real him would know that he would otherwise blush when no1's looking n then furiously curse himself for doing so and pretend to compose himself like nothing happened..Beneath all his hardness is a man whos as gentle,caring and his sense of humur is sensational, his lifestyle is phenomenal..his enthusiasm would make even a dead man wanna live life again and am soo glad that I ve known him and i dont know if we stay friends forever or if life is kind enough to keep us together he would always be very close to my heart and i wish him a life of love,luck and happiness always. He’s Very precious…….I affectionately address him as MUAH BABY.

A Mask........

I sit with a mask of make believe smiles upon my face to hide the pain that fills my heart. How can she be so mean to someone she gave birth to? Why have a child to hurt and abuse rather than love and care for? How can she be so heartless and cold to a child that is under spoken. I keep my thoughts and feelings inside to make it seem like I'm full of life only to regret so much that I have denied. She sacrificed for years she says, but to her, sacrifice means giving up booze that eases her temper, to keep from bashing me with the hatred she really feels. The mask I will release, and the joy to my life will soon be, so to that I say to the mother I do hate, I am beautiful, strong, smart, and gifted. You can not take away the pain from you and release it to me. This under spoken child has learned to change the bad from you and speak the good in me.

Will there be a Brighter Day Ahead ?????

I'm sitting here Sad and all alone, Crying lonely black tears, No one around to help me,. No one, not that I can I see.. Just leave me be To cry my lonely black tears ...Don't try to help... Your just too late ...I can't escape My lonely black tears.. After all these years..I'm still sitting here Crying my lonely black tears. One day maybe They'll stop flowing..The tears will quit growing Deep inside And I will cry no more Lonely Black Tears .
Memories ...The voice that's been silent all these years thinks deep thoughts but,I thought I destroyed every memory we had.They were lost long ago,but they're all coming back.The endless crying buried deep within me,you never heard. Don't want it to again, please,don't do it again, you hurt me ,You left me ,ripped, tore, and stripped my heart apart.The memories keep holding on,they are oh so strong,and for the darkest nights I rest. Can't these go away forever???
I pray for a brighter day.

Don't know when will i LEARN.....

WHY AM I FEARFUL ?????
I TOO WANNA LIVE .....
I feared being alone until I learned to like myself.
I feared failure until I realized that I only fail when I don't try.
I feared success until I realized that I had to tryin order to be happy with myself.
I feared people's opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.
I feared rejection until I learned to have faith in myself.
I feared pain until I learned that it's necessary for growth.
I feared the truth until I saw the ugliness in lies.
I feared life until I experienced its beauty.
I feared death until I realized that it's not an end, but a beginning.
I feared my destiny,until I realized thatI had the power to change my life.
I feared hate until I saw that itwas nothing more thanignorance.
I feared love until it touched my heart,making the darkness fade into endless sunny days.
I feared ridicule until I learned how to laugh at myself.
I feared growing old until I realized thatI gained wisdom every day.
I feared the future until I realized that life just kept getting better.I feared the past until I realized that it could no longer hurt me.
I feared the dark until I saw the beauty of the starlight.
I feared the light until I learned that the truth would give me strength.
I feared change,until I saw that even the most beautiful butterfly had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly.

BE A FIGHTER...YOU ARE STRONG.

HE MADE ME REALIZE..
During the darkest hours of the night,we see the beaut yof the stars. Let the good things in life, give you the strength to get through these rough times.
Good things come through times of sorrow.Love is shared.Bonds are strengthened.Commitment is renewed.Faith is restored
We can't win all the time;the odds are simply against it.But the good news is that we win some of the time.And if you think about it,that's what really matters.
When you're in pain, and it seems like no one understands; when it has gotten exhausting to even talk about the way you're suffering, remember someone is there thinking about you and is concerned. Others may turn their back on you,but he never will. You need explain nothing to Him. He knows how you suffer, and He can see what's in your heart.L ean on Him. Put your faith in Him. He promised that He would never for sake you,and you can depend on Him.
This person has given me all his support and strength through the roughest times offlate.
You have made me rich by giving me the gift of hope, by being there when I needed a friend, and by giving me a shove in the right direction when I hesitated. Thanks for bringing happiness to a heart full of woe, and for all the wonderful things you do. I found a true friend, when I found you.
He made me belief that....
No matter what happens, No matter what you do, I hope that you will stay the same.I hope you'll always be you. God made you special, No one can take that away. So when the problems call and the darkness falls, Never forget that someone cares about you.Never forget your dreams;They aren't as far away,As you might think they seem.Let nothing get you down,And when the times get rough. Simply smile like a circus clown.
Thanks a ton my friend.......

Why This Stigma ?

No one asks to be sexually assaulted.

RAPE.... What does it mean to you? just a forced intercourse. NO, its bigger than that.
Rape...a four letter word which we read, hear and come across each day in our daily life but do we ever give it a thought what stigma the victim goes through. No, it means RIPPING APART PERSONAL EMOTIONS.
The victims self esteem sinks, everything goes dead, tears keep flowing, she is ashamed to show her scars to someone she really likes, she goes numb forever, isolate herself, is disgusted, calls herself dirty and filth, a battle to hold yourself is never won, hope lost and madness begins. Its a total damage of psyche. The victim hates herself for being hit, tied, held, forced, spanked by someone more stronger ( physically) than her, rages in inexpressible anger, wants to fight but is helpless of the humiliation....it is an experience of violation, degradation, and humiliation. A feeling of numness, detachment or "unrealness" about everything. A lack of emotion or inability to feel love or care about anything.A feeling of depression and isolation. A change in sleep patterns. More often or not the ability to sleep or stay asleep for any length of time. A lack of concentration. Avoidance of being touched, and shying away from loved ones. Sudden movements may startle. A lack of trust in anyone, even close family or partners. More irritable than usual. Outbursts of anger and crying. Mood swings. A feeling of low self esteem and confidence. A feeling of being dirty, or disgusting. Deep embarrassment or shame. Sometimes self blame for events. Bitterness and morbid hatred of the perpetrator, with a preoccupation of how to harm or humiliate them.

Is it right to make someone go through this ordeal??

Rage and anger are rampant in my heart.

Loneliness

We know loneliness, don't we, the fear, the misery, the antagonism, the real fright of a mind that is aware of its own loneliness. We all know that. You may have all riches,pleasures, great capacity and bliss but within there is clways the lurking shadow of loneliness.
When the mind is aware of its loneliness, it runs away, escapes. The escape, whether into religious contemplation. sex, cinema or drowning ureself in work; it is an escape. When we observe the fact that we are lonely we isolate...loneliness is isolation because the mind cuts itself from every relationship and everything. Is it worth cutting everyhting???????

IWanna unmask a part of me...

It is not enough to have a job and to be a volunteer
...there needs to be something else...there has to be...what can it be?Maybe everyone passes through this stage...and I have always been a thinker and I am still thinking...but what can it be?I know I can put on a mask or hide by being busy, but maybe I don't want to...yes...I don't want to because I want to go to the core of the issue and know why I feel this way.This led to me think that will I ever be satisfied in a such a monotonous life. I see my parents...what does their life consist of? Going to work, coming back, cooking or doing some house chores and then sleeping and the cycle is repetitive with the exception of weekends where they will socialize but then again...mostly with the same people.I don't know what I want.

Stored anger is a problem

The storing up of anger, which is resentment, requires the antidote of forgiveness; but the storing up of anger is far more significant than forgiveness. Forgiveness is unnecessary when there is no accumulation of anger. Forgiveness is essential if there is resentment; but to be free from flattery and from the sense of injury, without the hardness of interference, makes for mercy, charity. Anger cannot be got rid of by the action of will, for will is part of violence. Will is the outcome of desire, the craving to be; and desire in its very nature is aggressive, dominant. To supress anger by the exertion of will is to transfer anger to a different level, giving it a a different name; but it is still part of violence. To be free from violence, which is not the cultivation of non-violence, there must be the understanding of desire.